something a little deeper than Good Morning America

So basically I am beginning to see a pattern in my flakiness. I don't know what the crap I'm supposed to be doing or anything with my life. I'm starting to doubt my abilities to be a professor--it's pretty hard for me to verbally get my ideas out cohesively. . .and I suck at reading aloud (it got better when I was in voice therapy and I was practicing all the time). I don't know. I don't know what I would be good at. Part of me wants to be a psychologist or counselor of some sort. Part of me just wants to be a student forever. I've been doing it for 14 years--I've got it down. It's something I'm good at. I thought that meant I would be a good professor, but I don't know anymore. I'm doubting everything. I hated who I was becomming when I was singing, but at least I knew what I was doing. I had a plan and I was focused on reaching my goal. But that was stolen from me. Maybe I never really had it in the first place. I don't regret making the decision not to sing, but I miss the confidence I had when I was doing it. Even though my lack of confidence then was what was keeping me from progressing. I just get the feeling that I am seriously flawed. I know a lot of it has to do with just being this age, but still. I just feel like I'm ok at lots of things, but not really good enough to do anything superlatively. Even if I do go on and get my degree(s), I'm not sure I'd be using them. I'll probably get married and we'll move off somewhere and I'll have kids and do all that stuff. But I don't know--maybe I won't. There are entirely too many variables to take into consideration. I like it when I know what's going on. When I'm in control and I have everything planned out. God has taught me this lesson SO MANY TIMES--I know it's not supposed to be my plan. I'm not the one with the control. But that is infinitely hard for me. My entire beign fights against it all the time. I'm trying. But I feel like it's not enough. Nothing is ever enough it seems. I'm good at a lot of things, but I'm not the best at anything. It's been like that my whole life. I have best friends, but I'm never their best friend. I'm a good student, but I'm so self-conscious that I got into the habit a long time ago of dumbing things down, and now I can't seem to stop doing that. I feel like a big phoney if I really said how I felt or what I thought to the extent that I feel or think it. And I realize that makes absolutely no sense. If it's really how I feel, then it should make me feel genuine, but it doesn't. I've been trying to "find myself" as cliché as that sounds, and I'm realizing that there are so many layers of fakeness piled one on top of the other that maybe there's not any of the real me left, and if there is, I have no idea what it is like. So back to the beginning of my post--my flakiness. It seems like I stay wanting to do the same thing for about the same amount of time, and then I change my mind or start doubting myself. It's really pretty ridiculous. I wish someone would just come along and say "hey, this is what you're going to do, so suck it up and do it." First I wanted to be an opera singer. Then I turned into a neurotic b**** who didn't care about anything but singing. Then I wanted to be a therapist, but I took psych classes and figured out that I don't agree with any of the methods, so it would be pretty hard to do that (plus it's a BS degree and that means more math and science). So then I switched to English--something I've always been good at. I feel safe here. Safe, but still not the best. I can analyze a poem or story. I can write a story (haven't gotten my comments back, so the story may be crap). I can think like an English major. But what am I going to do with a degree in English? I don't feel like I'm smart enough to be a professor anymore. I don't think I'm a good enough speaker, and my ADD makes me lose my train of thought all the time when I'm talking about something. That would just not be a fun thing. So crossing all these things off my list (how ironic--I just accidentally typed life instead of list), what does that leave? You wanna know what I really want to do with my life? I want to have a cattery (you breed cats). So really, I could just quit school and go buy a bunch of cats and call it a day. Save myself all this drama (not to mention THOUSANDS of dollars). But you wanna know the reason I won't do it? If I own a cattery and stay around the house taking care of kittens all freaking day, how the crap am I ever going to find a husband? That's right, folks, Ashley is after her Mrs. degree. I really don't want to be alone. And I am terrified that if I don't stay in school, I won't ever find anybody. I don't go to a conventional "church" and I don't know the first thing about dating, and there is no way I would use the internet for something like that (those people are losers). I know this sounds ridiculous, and it is. I don't know what to do. I really don't have any desire to be a vet, or I could stay in school and do that and have my cattery and being a vet would definitely be helpful there, but it would be freaking hard (and yucky). I haven't ever put any of this down into words before, but it all just sorta came spilling out today.