it's been a while.

I haven't had a serious post on here for quite a while, so I figured tonight's as good a night as any. So...I don't think I put my new pact with Mom on here, so that is the first item of business, especially since that's what this post will predominantly be about. About a week ago, Mom and I had one of our serious talks. I told her that I wanted her to lose weight and get healthy. She's seriously a heart attack waiting to happen. I want her to be around to see her grandkids, and at this rate, that's not going to happen. Her reply was that she could say the same for me. I disagree, but whatever. We talked and talked and talked, and she eventually came up with this plan...she would get down to her ideal weight for her height, and I wouldn't have anything to do with peace or CPT or anything for 10 years. It's off if she quits, doesn't make it down to 125 in 2 years, or gets down that low and then gains (she can get up to 150 before it's off). Silly me, I agreed. I convinced myself that I was saving my mom, and this would just be a 10 year delay. Well, I got a big packet from Manchester in the mail today. The admissions lady I've been talking to sent me an application (actually the wrong one--a first year instead of a transfer), a map of the school and directions, and a parking pass for my visit March 12. I am just starting to realize how long 10 years is. That's half my life so far. I don't think I'm going to be able to do this. It's too important to me. My mom is forcing me to choose between her and what I feel God has called me to do. I think we will have to have another talk tomorrow and see if our pact can be ammended to just no CPT for 10 years and I can still go to Manchester for the Peace Studies program. This really sucks. I don't want my mom to die. But I can't sacrifice my life for hers either. That didn't come out how I meant it...I would take a bullet for her, but that's different than living day in and day out knowing that you're stuck doing something that you aren't meant for, and that the life you were meant for is out there passing you by. Am I being selfish here? I need some perspective. I don't know what to do.