I just went back and read all my old posts.
It's so amazing what changes can happen in 6 months. I hated Manchester when I went to visit. I've been working with Beth at ACB for 5 months. Malachi is 14 months old. The Parkersons moved to Rose Creek Village. I'm off all my medications. Kim and Jeremy are going to a corporate church. I have red(ish now) hair. It seems like nothing is the same. I guess that's just how life is. Nothing stays the same for long. I know I haven't, even the things I wish were the same. I've gotten really far away from God. I've felt betrayed and abandoned by my closest friends, and I let that harden my heart. Since I've been working at ACB, I haven't been able to meet with the Andersons and Pailles, and I've lost my community. I refuse to go to TLC (Cordova too, for that matter) on principle. I just don't understand how you guys can change so drastically! It feels like you chickened out. It got hard and you bailed. Maybe that's not it, but it sure feels that way. You've done a complete 180* and left me behind. I still think how we all used to think, so that leaves me the odd man out in yet another area. I just seriously cannot wrap my mind around that! I don't get it. This isn't what I want this whole post to be about, so I'll drop that for now.
I was supposed to be going to Memphis this semester. Classes start the 27th. I was registered and everything. And then I get the news. There is no money for me to go to school because my parents spent it. That's right, they spent it. And I found that out too late to fill out my FAFSA and apply for financial aid and get scholarships and get everything paid for. I feel so let down. I wasn't all that happy about going to Memphis, and then I registered for my classes and I told people that I know there that I was coming, and I got excited. That was the problem. Silly me, I trusted my parents to do what was best for me instead of what was easy and convenient for them. Big mistake there. I'm going to have to work really hard not to get bitter about that. I feel so.......I can't even think of the right word. It's like when you get the wind knocked out of you and you can't breathe for a little while. You feel like your body is collapsing into itself. I know that everything will work out, but that means I have to be patient again and wait for the right door to open up. There are so many paths I could choose. I don't know if I should keep my job at ACB (even though I am really hating it and it has killed my opportunities for community), or if I should look for a job during the day ( don't want to work at ACB during the day because it's not a nice place then); but if I get a job that's during the day, then I will have to quit it to go back to school, and if I'm shooting for the spring semester, then that doesn't even really give me enough time at a new job to make it worth it. I guess what it really comes down to is that I feel trapped. Stagnant--physically, spiritually, emotionally. I am in a serious rut. It's not a good place to be.
I realized just the other day how hard my heart is. I don't want it to be that way. Before last night, I hadn't prayed, really prayed in months and months. Probably since I started working at night and we all stopped meeting together. That's a sad fact. I said I felt burned out--just tired of being a Christian. So I stopped. It's not like I beacme a hedonist or anything, I just stopped doing outwardly "Christian" or showy things. I was tired of the phoney-ness. I didn't want to be seen as an actor playing a role the way so many "Christians" in the world are. That's not me. I want to be real. But I'm not sure what that looks like. I guess whatever it does look like isn't what I'm doing right now because if it was then I wouldn't feel so crummy about it. Maybe I need to cut myself a big slice of humble pie. I don't have the answers (maybe Don Miller does). Life is a journey and I'm pretty close to the beginning of it. I do find myself longing for community, though. I wish things would be the way they were back when I was posting on this blog before. I want my community back! The Parkersons, Andersons, Pailles, and me. Times were good then. But, I don't see that happening with all the physical (and emotional) distance that's between us now.
There are so many other things I want to discuss here, but I will save them for another time. Let's have a dialogue again, friends.
I was supposed to be going to Memphis this semester. Classes start the 27th. I was registered and everything. And then I get the news. There is no money for me to go to school because my parents spent it. That's right, they spent it. And I found that out too late to fill out my FAFSA and apply for financial aid and get scholarships and get everything paid for. I feel so let down. I wasn't all that happy about going to Memphis, and then I registered for my classes and I told people that I know there that I was coming, and I got excited. That was the problem. Silly me, I trusted my parents to do what was best for me instead of what was easy and convenient for them. Big mistake there. I'm going to have to work really hard not to get bitter about that. I feel so.......I can't even think of the right word. It's like when you get the wind knocked out of you and you can't breathe for a little while. You feel like your body is collapsing into itself. I know that everything will work out, but that means I have to be patient again and wait for the right door to open up. There are so many paths I could choose. I don't know if I should keep my job at ACB (even though I am really hating it and it has killed my opportunities for community), or if I should look for a job during the day ( don't want to work at ACB during the day because it's not a nice place then); but if I get a job that's during the day, then I will have to quit it to go back to school, and if I'm shooting for the spring semester, then that doesn't even really give me enough time at a new job to make it worth it. I guess what it really comes down to is that I feel trapped. Stagnant--physically, spiritually, emotionally. I am in a serious rut. It's not a good place to be.
I realized just the other day how hard my heart is. I don't want it to be that way. Before last night, I hadn't prayed, really prayed in months and months. Probably since I started working at night and we all stopped meeting together. That's a sad fact. I said I felt burned out--just tired of being a Christian. So I stopped. It's not like I beacme a hedonist or anything, I just stopped doing outwardly "Christian" or showy things. I was tired of the phoney-ness. I didn't want to be seen as an actor playing a role the way so many "Christians" in the world are. That's not me. I want to be real. But I'm not sure what that looks like. I guess whatever it does look like isn't what I'm doing right now because if it was then I wouldn't feel so crummy about it. Maybe I need to cut myself a big slice of humble pie. I don't have the answers (maybe Don Miller does). Life is a journey and I'm pretty close to the beginning of it. I do find myself longing for community, though. I wish things would be the way they were back when I was posting on this blog before. I want my community back! The Parkersons, Andersons, Pailles, and me. Times were good then. But, I don't see that happening with all the physical (and emotional) distance that's between us now.
There are so many other things I want to discuss here, but I will save them for another time. Let's have a dialogue again, friends.
posted by Ashley at 1:18 AM
2 Comments:
Hey Ash,
It's good to see you writing again, even if you are unsure. God can use unsure more than sure, that's for sure!
I've been working on "The Myth of a Chrisitan Nation" by Gregory Boyd and it is really enlightening. In the deep middle of the book he points out that American is, and always has been, a "power over kingdom of the world." America does not LOOK like Christ so it is not a Christian nation. Only that which looks and acts like Christ is truly Christian. Christ taught (and teaches) a "power under Kingdom of God." By power under He means power through service -- where the first shall be last, where we turn the other cheek, where we pray for those who persecute us, forgive those who sin against us, love the poor, rescue the needy, touch the lepers, and die on a cross if necessary, all the while asking God to forgive the ones that drove the nails! This is a whole different sort of power, one which the world (America included and much of "Christianity" in America included) cannot understand.
Anyway, good to see you writing. We have lots to talk about.
Love, david
Ashley,
I'm sorry all the change has messed you up. I know it's hard to find a new place in the current situation of those we were all previously very close to. Pretty much the same thing happened to me when I was about your age. I didn't want to be a part of either one for my various "right" reasons. So, I didn't go anywhere. I decided I'd be better off to not. That summer was the summer I went to West Houston COC as an intern. I was so far from God's will and trying to tell others what was "right". There was sin in my life because I had taken over control. I was a real tell it like it is, prideful, I know it all kind of person. I still fight those tendencies on occasion. Pride comes easily when you think you are right and someone else is less right. But I'm here to tell you it's not worth it. I already told you this in person. We, as sinners ourselves are in no position to pick and choose who we are willing to love. Something else I've learned is we are in no position to "fix" those we disagree with. We are called to Love the Lord with everything and then to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. I would venture to say it is a lot easier to love God- who is perfect than it is to love others who have many shortcomings. I think we all forget though, that to choose to love those that we find hard to love- inspite of, or because of their shortcomings we are loving God.
David is right that God can use the unsure more than the sure. When we are sure we are set in our ways because we "know" we are "right", but when you let go and say, "ya know what, here's what I'm thinking, but I'm not sure this is what is best." you are transformable. When you are open to letting him shape you he'll make you more like Christ than you thought possible. I think you know all of these things we are saying to you. Maybe you are just not sure where to start without doing instead of being. I've learned over the past few years there is a part of doing in being. The motive is what changes the power in the actions. I know I've only commented on a small portion of your post- and specifically the one you said you didn't want the whole thing to be about. I think it is a big part of your heart right now though and you are too afraid to confront it because of the conflict that may take place as a result. I think it is necessary conflict if there is ever going to be peace for you and for all of us.
I would disagree with the word cannot toward the end of David's comment. I think some in "Christianity" know something isn't quite right and want more. It will take some time and patience on our part but we believe God can use Jeremy and I with willing hearts where we are as he can use missionaries in a country that predominantly worships a "god" rather than our Father to help people choose to truly follow Christ. I think all can understand some just choose not to. It's not instant pudding though and the fruit may take a little (or a lot of) time. I'm sad you both think we chickened out by "joining" them. Because to me it's no different than if we went off to China and made efforts to meet them where they are by adopting some of their culture. We are growing. Jeremy is standing up as the leader- spiritually and in other facets- of our home. I am facing and working on areas in my life God has shown me need to change. I lack perseverance- but I admit that now and I know God is working on me.
I love you Ashley.
I love you David.
I choose to love you because that is what God has called us to do. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's hard. Either way- we are all still a part of the body of Christ.
I hope you both and any one else who reads this understand my tone. I genuinely just want peace among all of us.
Grace,
Kim
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