i had a really awesome title, but i forgot what it was

My heart is really breaking for my God and my country. I was going to write this last night while it was fresh in my mind, but I was too drained--you'll soon find out why. I watched this CNN special called God's Warriors. Last night's episode focused on God's warriors in America (there are others for other militant religious groups throughout the world). It was disgusting. I mean that in the truest sense of the word. I was truly sickened by what I saw.

First of all, I didn't know that Jerry Falwell had started Liberty University (I have a friend that goes there). I also didn't know that the intent of the school is to "train up generations of pitbulls" to "grab the world by the jugular." Just so you know, I did take notes through the program, so what I put in quotations are actual word-for-word quotes. Somehow I don't think Jesus, the LAMB of God would like His followers to be described by anyone as "pitbulls," much less label themselves that. They recently opened a law school there and hope that one day former students will become Supreme Court justices and be able to influence the country (first order of business, overturn Roe v. Wade). Falwell went on to say that 9/11 was caused by our country's eroding moral values (namely abortion and gay marriage and quite possibly, liberals in general). He said that the sins we've committed as a country have caused God to remove his hand of protection and that things are only going to get worse.

They then interviewed some Liberty students, and one said this: "Once you choose the Christian faith you become God's warrior. It's just up to you to pick up your sword and fight." If God wants us to pick up our swords and fight, then why did Jesus tell Peter to put away his sword in the garden of Gethsemane? I would like to have asked that girl that question. Maybe I'll look her up on facebook and ask her (I probably won't, though...but maybe Ali knows her).

After the Falwell/Liberty U segment, they interviewed John Hagee and talked about God's foreign policy statement. Hagee said that it was Genesis 12:3 "I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you." The "you" is apparently referring to America. I think that if God did have a policy statement, it would be something more along the lines of Micah 6:8 "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Or perhaps Matthew 22:36-40 "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Call me crazy. Hagee is also calling himself a "Christian Zionist"--he wants to stir up a war between Iran and Israel to hasten the second coming of Christ. (Don't ask me how he plans to do that--or why--it was all explained last night, and I took notes on it, but it's hazy now).

Then they interviewed the author of Liberalism Kills Kids. Oh, you haven't read that one? It's by Rick Scarborough. He doesn't call himself a Republican or a Democrat, but a Christocrat. He's currently touring the country, advancing a conservative agenda and calling it the Christian way to vote. He tells people "for a Christian not to vote is a sin."

Next came Greg Boyd, labeled a "heretic" by much of the religious right. David had just been talking about his book Myth of a Christian Nation, so I thought it was pretty neat that they interviewed him too. He was the only one that didn't sound totally nuts. He said that poverty was probably the biggest problem in the world today and that if the US wanted to do something about the abortion rate, they should work to end poverty (since statistically, many more abortions occur in women and girls living in poverty). I'm sure David can add more.

The fundamentalist homeschool family was next. They are "fighting back by opting out." They currently have 5 kids and want more. The dad is a minister and the 6 year old son feels that God is calling him to be a minister like his dad. He asked his mother why he had to study math and she told him, "We study math because God created math--God loves math."

Apparently they saved the most disturbing segment of all for last. Ron Luce's Teen Mania and the annual conference Battlecry. This year it was held in San Francisco, arguably the most liberal city in the country. Luce wants to create "God's warriors for Jesus" who are ready to fight "virtue terrorists." It would take a whole other post at least as long as this one to go into everything that was wrong with this segment, but here are some quotes of the war rhetoric they were spewing at these young, impressionable kids and teens (all of whom were just eating it up, many crying, hands raised, jumping up and down). "Stand firm--fight the culture" Was on a banner on the stage. Luce got the crowd going by yelling "LET ME HEAR YOUR BATTLECRY!" Mandy Peterson, a Lieutenant (yes, she is literally called a Lieutenant) in Luce's "army" was interviewed. She said this: "I consider myself a warrior--I'm fighting for my faith." Battlecry held a demonstration in downtown San Fran. They chanted, "WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED! OUR VOICES WILL BE HEARD!" It didn't go over well with all the protesters who gathered to protest them being there (many holding "democracy not theocracy" signs, among others). The final sentence spoken in the program was by Luce. He told the interviewer, "As long as there are broken, hurting young people, I have a job." Now I'm sure he didn't mean for it to come out that way, but it certainly betrayed his motives, and most if not all of the motives of the religious right (should be the religious wrong).

Needless to say I was disgusted. But Jesus died for them too (although it must have been extra hard), and so I have only one thing left to say. "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

I just went back and read all my old posts.

It's so amazing what changes can happen in 6 months. I hated Manchester when I went to visit. I've been working with Beth at ACB for 5 months. Malachi is 14 months old. The Parkersons moved to Rose Creek Village. I'm off all my medications. Kim and Jeremy are going to a corporate church. I have red(ish now) hair. It seems like nothing is the same. I guess that's just how life is. Nothing stays the same for long. I know I haven't, even the things I wish were the same. I've gotten really far away from God. I've felt betrayed and abandoned by my closest friends, and I let that harden my heart. Since I've been working at ACB, I haven't been able to meet with the Andersons and Pailles, and I've lost my community. I refuse to go to TLC (Cordova too, for that matter) on principle. I just don't understand how you guys can change so drastically! It feels like you chickened out. It got hard and you bailed. Maybe that's not it, but it sure feels that way. You've done a complete 180* and left me behind. I still think how we all used to think, so that leaves me the odd man out in yet another area. I just seriously cannot wrap my mind around that! I don't get it. This isn't what I want this whole post to be about, so I'll drop that for now.

I was supposed to be going to Memphis this semester. Classes start the 27th. I was registered and everything. And then I get the news. There is no money for me to go to school because my parents spent it. That's right, they spent it. And I found that out too late to fill out my FAFSA and apply for financial aid and get scholarships and get everything paid for. I feel so let down. I wasn't all that happy about going to Memphis, and then I registered for my classes and I told people that I know there that I was coming, and I got excited. That was the problem. Silly me, I trusted my parents to do what was best for me instead of what was easy and convenient for them. Big mistake there. I'm going to have to work really hard not to get bitter about that. I feel so.......I can't even think of the right word. It's like when you get the wind knocked out of you and you can't breathe for a little while. You feel like your body is collapsing into itself. I know that everything will work out, but that means I have to be patient again and wait for the right door to open up. There are so many paths I could choose. I don't know if I should keep my job at ACB (even though I am really hating it and it has killed my opportunities for community), or if I should look for a job during the day ( don't want to work at ACB during the day because it's not a nice place then); but if I get a job that's during the day, then I will have to quit it to go back to school, and if I'm shooting for the spring semester, then that doesn't even really give me enough time at a new job to make it worth it. I guess what it really comes down to is that I feel trapped. Stagnant--physically, spiritually, emotionally. I am in a serious rut. It's not a good place to be.

I realized just the other day how hard my heart is. I don't want it to be that way. Before last night, I hadn't prayed, really prayed in months and months. Probably since I started working at night and we all stopped meeting together. That's a sad fact. I said I felt burned out--just tired of being a Christian. So I stopped. It's not like I beacme a hedonist or anything, I just stopped doing outwardly "Christian" or showy things. I was tired of the phoney-ness. I didn't want to be seen as an actor playing a role the way so many "Christians" in the world are. That's not me. I want to be real. But I'm not sure what that looks like. I guess whatever it does look like isn't what I'm doing right now because if it was then I wouldn't feel so crummy about it. Maybe I need to cut myself a big slice of humble pie. I don't have the answers (maybe Don Miller does). Life is a journey and I'm pretty close to the beginning of it. I do find myself longing for community, though. I wish things would be the way they were back when I was posting on this blog before. I want my community back! The Parkersons, Andersons, Pailles, and me. Times were good then. But, I don't see that happening with all the physical (and emotional) distance that's between us now.

There are so many other things I want to discuss here, but I will save them for another time. Let's have a dialogue again, friends.