mendacity.

BIG DADDY: If I give you a drink, will you tell me what it is you're disgusted with, Brick?

BRICK: Yes, sir, I will try to. Have you ever heard the word "mendacity"?

BIG DADDY: Sure. Mendacity is one of them five dollar words that cheap politicians throw back and forth at eath other.

BRICK: You know what it means?

BIG DADDY: Don't it mean lying and liars?

BRICK: Yes, sir, lying and liars.

~Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Tennessee Williams





If there is one aspect of humanity that I despise above all others, it is probably mendacity. People who are two-faced. I simply cannot stand it. I don't understand why we can't just say what we mean or what we really think or how we really feel about a person, situation, etc. There have been tons of examples of this in my everyday life and the lives of those close to me (not to mention in high-profile figures around the world) in recent weeks. What makes us think that it's a good idea to lie? Why can't we just tell the truth? Part of this is rooted in our culture--we tell people what we think they want to hear. We say, "Oh I love your hair!" when we are thinking, Wow--your hair looks terrible. Why can't we just keep our mouths shut? Because then the person will think we didn't notice, and may ask, "Do you like my hair?" THEN WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SAY? You're presented with two options--tell the person you don't like it and risk hurting their feelings, or lie! I do not like either of these options. It's pretty impossible to change, though. I suppose my problem is that I am too trusting of other people. Some people would insert the word *gullible* (I know it's not written on the ceiling, and no they didn't take it out of the dictionary....thanks). I think that when a person says he/she will do something, that the person will honor his/her word and actually do what they said they would do. This has gotten me into a lot of trouble lately. On one hand, I like that I trust people--I believe them and I let them into my life, even if it means that I get hurt later on down the road. On the other hand, I wish I wasn't this way because I would save myself a lot of heartache. But you can't have it both ways. So I choose to go on believing and trusting (and getting hurt) and moving on. What else is there to do? Mendacity is a part of life.

I don't know what to do with my heart.

I feel like a jerk. I need to do more spiritually. I feel all dry and hard inside. I don't want to be that way. I basically just need to get over myself and the things that I thought would happen or stay the same forever. Things change. I need to change too. I've been wrestling with the thought of the whole TLC thing. I just don't have a peace about it. Every time I go, it just doesn't feel right. Sometimes I feel like I've outgrown the whole sit and listen thing. I want to go deeper than that, and it seems like some of the people around me do too, but saying we want to and actually doing it are two very different things. But I need to do something. I just feel so jaded, though. Whatever things I think of to rekindle my spirit seem hokey and contrived. Even saying the word "rekindle" seems hokey and contrived. I think I've tried so hard to run away from being phoney and cheesey that I've become aversive to anything that could be real. I can't tell the difference anymore. It all seems fake to me. I placate myself by saying it's just a phase and I'll get over it and everything will be fine again, but what if it isn't? What if I end up feeling this way forever? It seems like the longer I think this way, the harder it will be to stop. I don't really know what do to or say or think or feel. I want to be deeply, truly committed. I want to not care if I sound cheesey or sappy. Have I just become too self-conscious to truly worship? Have I really become so cynical that I doubt everyone's sincerity? I want to want to worship. In a way, I do want to worship, but I can't seem to get out of my own way.

a decision.

I have made a decision. I have decided that I am going to wear my burgundy pants for my 21st birthday. I know, you're thinking, "Burgundy? Really?" but they're nice (and cuter than they sound). There is a problem, though. These pants are 2 sizes smaller than the pants I currently wear. I have 45 days to lose 2 dress sizes. It is definitely doable (if you've ever seen an episode of Biggest Loser, you definitely know it's doable). But it is going to be hard. Really hard. I am going to want to rebel. I am going to want to slack off. I am going to want to give up. But I made a decision. Not a goal. A decision. I will do this. And I hope to be down two more sizes by the time I go to Las Vegas in April (I was in about 6th grade the last time I was that size). This is going to happen, but man, it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. But I'm gonna make it happen.

I think I might like Wordpress better than Blogger....I'm going to go do my end of the year survey there.

here's the link: http://getintheway.wordpress.com

nothing deep.

When was the last time you shaved your legs? last night--no seriously! it's a miracle!

What were you doing this morning at 7am? deciing not to go to class

What were you doing 15 minutes ago? facebooking

Are you any good at math? not so much

What were you doing last night? watching Damages

If you saw your last ex right now, what would you say? hi

Have you ever burped in front of the opposite sex? of course

Last thing you received in the mail? Time magazine

How many different beverages have you had today? none

What's the most painful dental procedure you've had? wisdom teeth

What is outside your bedroom? a closet and my parents' room

Any plans for Friday night? not yet

Do you have a secret crush? yes, actually

Describe your key chain: don't have one

When was the last time you spoke in front of a large crowd? a while--but I will be tomorrow

What kind of winter coat do you have? don't have one yet

Do you have any nicknames? my mom calls me boo

Can you tie a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue? no but I can unwrap a starburst in my mouth

First thing you wash in the shower? my hair--doesn't everyone?

Tell me about the last dream you remember having... um...it was about Bon Jovi (PG rated)

Have you ever met a celebrity? if you count seeing Faith Hill at the grocery store and being literally 3 feet away from Jon Bon Jovi at a concert, then yes.

How many countries have you visited? 2

Ever been on a train? yep--from Memphis to Chicago and then back

Have you ever crawled through a window? yep--it was really high up too

Have you ever been in a castle? yes

Whats the closest thing to you thats red? the tank top I'm wearing (which is actually Kim's)

imagine that this is the best title you've ever read.

I want to be things. So many things. Things that I wonder if I'll ever be, or if it's even possible to be them. Maybe nobody can actually be all of those things and the sheer fact of wanting to be them is setting myself up for inevitable failure. There are so many things in life I want to experience. I want to be rich--to spend money without thought. I want to be poor--to know the feeling of an empty stomach and no way to fill it. I want to risk my life for a cause I believe in so strongly that I would gladly pay the ultimate price. I want to walk in a park, hand-in-hand with the one I love when we're 80. I want to experience earth shattering, gut wrenching heartbreak that drives me to my knees. I want to give up everything I have and live a life of radical faith. I want to bake cookies with my grandchildren--my silver hair in a bun and an apron around my waist. I want to travel to places I've never been and talk with people I've never met about things I've never thought about. I want to die peacefully, surrounded by the ones I love.

i had a really awesome title, but i forgot what it was

My heart is really breaking for my God and my country. I was going to write this last night while it was fresh in my mind, but I was too drained--you'll soon find out why. I watched this CNN special called God's Warriors. Last night's episode focused on God's warriors in America (there are others for other militant religious groups throughout the world). It was disgusting. I mean that in the truest sense of the word. I was truly sickened by what I saw.

First of all, I didn't know that Jerry Falwell had started Liberty University (I have a friend that goes there). I also didn't know that the intent of the school is to "train up generations of pitbulls" to "grab the world by the jugular." Just so you know, I did take notes through the program, so what I put in quotations are actual word-for-word quotes. Somehow I don't think Jesus, the LAMB of God would like His followers to be described by anyone as "pitbulls," much less label themselves that. They recently opened a law school there and hope that one day former students will become Supreme Court justices and be able to influence the country (first order of business, overturn Roe v. Wade). Falwell went on to say that 9/11 was caused by our country's eroding moral values (namely abortion and gay marriage and quite possibly, liberals in general). He said that the sins we've committed as a country have caused God to remove his hand of protection and that things are only going to get worse.

They then interviewed some Liberty students, and one said this: "Once you choose the Christian faith you become God's warrior. It's just up to you to pick up your sword and fight." If God wants us to pick up our swords and fight, then why did Jesus tell Peter to put away his sword in the garden of Gethsemane? I would like to have asked that girl that question. Maybe I'll look her up on facebook and ask her (I probably won't, though...but maybe Ali knows her).

After the Falwell/Liberty U segment, they interviewed John Hagee and talked about God's foreign policy statement. Hagee said that it was Genesis 12:3 "I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you." The "you" is apparently referring to America. I think that if God did have a policy statement, it would be something more along the lines of Micah 6:8 "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Or perhaps Matthew 22:36-40 "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Call me crazy. Hagee is also calling himself a "Christian Zionist"--he wants to stir up a war between Iran and Israel to hasten the second coming of Christ. (Don't ask me how he plans to do that--or why--it was all explained last night, and I took notes on it, but it's hazy now).

Then they interviewed the author of Liberalism Kills Kids. Oh, you haven't read that one? It's by Rick Scarborough. He doesn't call himself a Republican or a Democrat, but a Christocrat. He's currently touring the country, advancing a conservative agenda and calling it the Christian way to vote. He tells people "for a Christian not to vote is a sin."

Next came Greg Boyd, labeled a "heretic" by much of the religious right. David had just been talking about his book Myth of a Christian Nation, so I thought it was pretty neat that they interviewed him too. He was the only one that didn't sound totally nuts. He said that poverty was probably the biggest problem in the world today and that if the US wanted to do something about the abortion rate, they should work to end poverty (since statistically, many more abortions occur in women and girls living in poverty). I'm sure David can add more.

The fundamentalist homeschool family was next. They are "fighting back by opting out." They currently have 5 kids and want more. The dad is a minister and the 6 year old son feels that God is calling him to be a minister like his dad. He asked his mother why he had to study math and she told him, "We study math because God created math--God loves math."

Apparently they saved the most disturbing segment of all for last. Ron Luce's Teen Mania and the annual conference Battlecry. This year it was held in San Francisco, arguably the most liberal city in the country. Luce wants to create "God's warriors for Jesus" who are ready to fight "virtue terrorists." It would take a whole other post at least as long as this one to go into everything that was wrong with this segment, but here are some quotes of the war rhetoric they were spewing at these young, impressionable kids and teens (all of whom were just eating it up, many crying, hands raised, jumping up and down). "Stand firm--fight the culture" Was on a banner on the stage. Luce got the crowd going by yelling "LET ME HEAR YOUR BATTLECRY!" Mandy Peterson, a Lieutenant (yes, she is literally called a Lieutenant) in Luce's "army" was interviewed. She said this: "I consider myself a warrior--I'm fighting for my faith." Battlecry held a demonstration in downtown San Fran. They chanted, "WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED! OUR VOICES WILL BE HEARD!" It didn't go over well with all the protesters who gathered to protest them being there (many holding "democracy not theocracy" signs, among others). The final sentence spoken in the program was by Luce. He told the interviewer, "As long as there are broken, hurting young people, I have a job." Now I'm sure he didn't mean for it to come out that way, but it certainly betrayed his motives, and most if not all of the motives of the religious right (should be the religious wrong).

Needless to say I was disgusted. But Jesus died for them too (although it must have been extra hard), and so I have only one thing left to say. "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."